Monday, December 27, 2004

LEADERBOARD: THE WHORSERACE IS SHAPING UP!

THE LEADERBOARD AT CHRISTMAS

RUM & DUB, NIP & TUCK!
KERIK & KERRY HOT!
JARED HOLDING FIRM!

VOTERS…
THEY'VE DONE THEIR SHARE.
IT’S NOW UP TO YOU.

And here is Your Top 20 with current score.

Donald Rumsfeld 108
George W. Bush 104
Karl Christian Rove 66
Osama bin Laden 64
Dick Cheney 42
Tom Delay 41
John Kerry 39
Abu Masali al-Zarqawi 33
Zell Miller 33
Jared of Subway 30
Bill O'Reilly 29
Bernard Kerik 24
Kofi Annan 23
Rush Limbaugh 20
John Ashcroft 16
Ann Coulter 16
Barry Bonds 16
Tony Blair 16
Ron Artest 16

(This includes ballots cast off-line.)

AND DON’T FORGET THE SPECIAL
AHOY TWINS CHALLENGE MATCH:

MARY KATE & ASHLEY 17
JENNA & BARBARA 0

Wednesday, December 01, 2004

What is A.H.O.Y?

Asshole Of the Year.

Since 1974, people across this great planet have voted each year for the man or woman who best evokes the largest exit ramp on the human thruway.

Now, thanks to that 20th Century mechanical miracle, the Internet, you can vote too!

Rank your top 10 choices. Post them in the "comments" section below.

We'll do the rest.

Soon an anxious world shall learn the name of the famous name who has earned the name...

A.H.O.Y. '04!

For Your Consideration

50 Cent. Ben Affleck. Clay Aiken. Roger Ailes. Iyad Allawi. Andre 3000. Marc Anthony. Yasser Arafat. Lance Armstrong. Tom Arnold. Ron Artest. John Ashcroft. Wally Backman. David Beckham. Paul Begala. Beyonce. Osama Bin Laden. Tony Blair. Robert Blake. Wolf Blitzer. Michael Bloomberg. Barry Bonds. Bono. Milton Bradley. Richard Branson. Paul Bremer. Tom Brokaw. David Brooks. Kevin Brown. Tina Brown. Kobe Bryant. Elisabeth Bumiller. Mark Burnett. Barbara Bush I. Barbara Bush II. Billy Bush. George H. W. Bush. George W. Bush. Jeb Bush. Jenna Bush. Laura Bush. Neil Bush. Clint Butler. Glen Campbell. Naomi Campbell. Tucker Carlson. Jim Caviezel. Ahmed Chalabi. Dick Cheney. Lynne Cheney. Hillary Clinton. Sean Combs. Bill Cosby. Ann Coulter. Katie Couric. Simon Cowell. Tom Cruise. Mark Cuban. Carson Daly. Tom Daschle. Tom DeLay. Howard Dean. Rocco DiSpirito. James Dobson. Maureen Dowd. Matt Drudge. Hillary Duff. Bob Dylan. Bob Edwards. John Edwards. Michael Eisner. Eminem. Lynndie England. Jimmy Fallon. Howard Fineman. Frank Francisco. Al Franken. Thomas Friedman. Bill Frist. Vince Gallo. Bill Gates. Jason Giambi. Mel Gibson. Dick Gephardt. Jose Guillen. Rudy Giuliani. Whoopi Goldberg. Al Gore. Porter Goss. Victoria Gotti. Nancy Grace. John Green. Mary Hart. Teresa Heinz-Kerry. Sean Hannity. Nicki Hilton. Paris Hilton. Christopher Hitchens. Steve Irwin, Crocodile Hunter. Tom Hanks. Rachel Hunter. Don Imus. Michael Jackson. Jared The Subway Guy. Jay-Z. Ken Jennings.Steve Jobs. John Paul II. Bob Jones III. Star Jones. Kitty Kelley. R. Kelly. Bernard Kerik. John Kerry. Alan Keyes. Lil' Kim. Jimmy Kimmel. Larry King. Dennis Kucinich. Howard Kurtz. Ashton Kutcher. Nick Lachey. Jude Law. Jay Leno. Jerry Lewis. Rush Limbaugh. James Lipton. Lindsay Lohan. Jennifer Lopez. Courtney Love. Joe Lieberman. Rush Limbaugh. Madonna. Bill Maher. Michelle Malkin. Omarosa Manigault-Stallworth. Pedro Martinez. Chris Matthews. Terry McAuliffe. John McCain. Scott McClellan. James McGreevey. Michael Medved. Dennis Miller. Judith Miller. Zell Miller. Liza Minelli. Moby. Michael Moore. Dick Morris. Rupert Murdoch. Nick Nolte. Peggy Noonan. Robert Novak. Pat O'Brien. John E. O'Neill. Bill O'Reilly. Barack Obama. Daniel Okrent. Ashley Olsen. Mary-Kate Olsen. Ol' Dirty Bastard. Oprah. Sarah Jessica Parker. Trey Parker. George Pataki. Sean Penn. Scott Peterson. Dr. Phil. Colin Powell. Michael Powell. Prince. Prince Charles. Vladimir Putin. Colin Quinn. Condoleezza Rice. Dan Rather. Ronald Reagan. Ronald Reagan Jr. Sumner Redstone. Tara Reid. Nicole Ritchie. Kelly Ripa. A-Rod. Pete Rose. Karl Rove. J.K. Rowling. Donald Rumsfeld. Tim Russert. Jack Ryan. William Safire. Rick Santorum. Michael Savage. Justice Antonin Scalia. Curt Schilling. Arnold Schwarzenegger. Ryan Seacrest. Bud Selig. Ariel Sharon. Al Sharpton. Maria Shriver. William Shatner. Gene Simmons. Richard Simmons. Ron Silver. Ashlee Simpson. Jessica Simpson. Anna Nicole Smith. Britney Spears. Phil Spector. Art Spiegelman. Elliot Spitzer. George Stephanapolous. Cat Stevens. George Steinbrenner. Howard Stern. Jon Stewart. Martha Stewart. Rod Stewart. Matt Stone. Barbara Streisand. Sting. Andrew Sullivan. Quentin Tarantino. Charlize Theron. Donald Trump. Meredith Vieira. Adam Vinatieri. David Foster Wallace. George Will. Brian Williams. Jayson Williams. Oprah Winfrey. Tom Wolfe. Paul Wolfowitz. Wonkette. Paula Zahn. Abu Musab al-Zarqawi. Catherine Zeta-Jones.

Who Did We Overlook?

Let us know in the comments.

A.H.O.Y. Remembers

'04: Donald Henry Rumsfeld, "secretary of offense"
’03: George Walker Bush, “mission accomplished”
’02: Osama bin Laden, “coaster”
’01: Osama bin Laden, “hairy plotter”
’00: George Walker Bush, “the legend of drunken master”
’99: Slobodan Milosevic, “mister clean”
'98: Linda Carotenuto Tripp “tapeworm”
'97: Marvin P. Albert, “he grabs, he bites, he scores!”
'96: Orenthal James Simpson, “blade runner”
'95: Newton Leroy Gingrich, “house speaker”
'94: Newton Leroy Gingrich, “contract on america”
'93: Robert W. Packwood, “house dick”
'92: Rush Hudson Limbaugh III, “hate on loan from god”
'91: David Duke, “you got the white thing baby”
'90: Saddam Hussein, “the iraqi horror picture show”
'89: Leona Mindy Rosenthal Helmsley, “rhymes with rich”
'88: James Danforth Quayle III, “favorite son”
'87: The Rev. James Orson Bakker, “lay minister”
'86: Ronald Wilson Reagan, “huh?”
'85: Sylvester Enzio Stallone, “hambo”
'84: Ronald Wilson Reagan, “actor/denture-wearer”
'83: Ronald Wilson Reagan, “in five minutes we bomb ahoy”
'82: Ronald Wilson Reagan, “conqueror of grenada”
'81: Ronald Wilson Reagan,
“i’m not a real president i just play one on tv”
'80: Mark David Chapman, “the walrus”
'79: Ayatollah Ruhollah Khomeini, “shah shah abhore”
'78: The Rev. Jim Jones, “kill friends with koolade”
'77: Anita Bryant, “hatriot”
'76: General Idi Amin, “dada dearest”
'75: Samuel Davis Jr., “nixonhugger”
'74: Richard Milhouse Nixon, “quitter”

The Top 25 Of 2003

GEORGE WALKER BUSH, mission accomplished 219
Michael Jackson , boyz r us 199
Saddam Hussein, spiderman 164
Osama bin Laden, who? 149
Donald Rumsfeld, a mighty wind 122
Richard Cheney, sauron 77
Rush Limbaugh, donovan mcnabbed 74
Martha Stewart, it’s a good sing sing 53
John Ashcroft, (REDACTED FOR NATIONAL SECURITY) 52
John Muhammed, drivers needed 50
Kobe Bryant, lain violation 43
J-Lo, moveon.org 41
Arnold Schwarzenegger, shade of gray 34
Britney Spears, prankster 34
Bill O’Reilly, faux news 31
Paris Hilton, the sinful life 31
Pedro Martinez, babe 30
Strom Thurmond, puff daddy 30
Condi Rice, legally blonde 30
Hillary Clinton, kill bill vol. 1 24
Howard Dean, gone in 60 seconds 27
Bill Bennett, the bookie of virtues 22
Kim Jong Il, li’l kim 22
Paul Wolfowitz, finding neo 20
Ben Affleck, j-no 20

The Top 25 Of 2002

1. OSAMA BIN LADEN, catch me if you can 314
2. George W. Bush, the omen 289
3. Bernard Law, why do you think they call it the rectory? 265
4. John Ashcroft, it’s curtains for lady liberty 244
5. Saddam Hussein, death to smoochy 224
6. John Allen Muhammad, die another day 195
7. Trent Lott, toast 196
8. Dick Cheney, panic room 186
9. Martha Stewart, ulterior decorator 164
10. John Lee Malvo, drivers needed 102
11. Ken Lay, secretary of energy 101
12. Michael Jackson,
if you think about it, he’s still
a better dad than eric clapton 78
13. Donald Rumsfeld, puff baghdaddy 62
14. Yasir Arafat, yas man 59
Terry McAuliffe, there’s always room for jell-o 59
16. Ariel Sharon, terrorist 47
17. Hillary Clinton, first wives club 46
18. Barry Bonds, this year’s record-holder 40
19. Pope, the bachelorette 37
Karl Rove, axis of evil 37
21. Lizzie Grubman, axle of evil 35
Kim Jong II, what happens when a president’s
son takes over without being elected 35
Tom Ridge, code brown 35
24. Charlton Heston, fighting to preserve gun rights
for alzheimer’s victims 33
25. John Henry Williams, soul on ice 32
Winona Ryder, girl, arrested 32

The Top 25 Of 2001

1. OSAMA BIN LADEN, hairy plotter 803
2. Gary Condit, girl interrupted 268
3. Mullah Mohammad Omar, i shot the sharif 241
4. John Ashcroft, the golden snitch 239
5. Mohammed Atta, automatic pilate 223
6. George W Bush Jr, me talk pretty some day 186
7. John Walker Lindh, shallow allah 174
8. Saddam Hussein, springtime for hitler 160
9. Yassir Arafat, zoolander 154
10. Dick Cheney, hiding in cars with boys 152
11. Ariel Sharon, monsters inc 149
12. Timothy McVeigh, osama’s seat warmer 145
13. O.J. Simpson, the mummy returns 139
14. Jerry Falwell, american taliban 136
15. Bud Selig, baseball fever – cure it 134
16. Hillary Clinton, the evil one 133
17. Tom Cruise, thighs wide shut 128
18. Lizzie Grubman,
"Lizzie Grubman took the Rover
"And gave the crowd a runnin’-over!" 125
19. Britney Spears, barbie spice 95
20. Donald Rumsfeld, the rummy returns 85
21. Ira Einhorn, drugrat in paris 74
22. Al Gore, bearded lady 63
23. Tom Daschle, gone postal 62
24. George O’Leary, win one for the fibber 51
25. Geraldo Rivera, alfred e newsman 50

The Top 25 Of 2000

1. GEORGE WALKER BUSH, the legend of drunken master 523
2. Al Gore, hollow man 435
3. Katherine Harris, gives her man a big election 332
4. Ralph Nader, unelectable at any speed 255
5. Hillary Clinton, you go, girl, please – go 232
6. James Baker III, who wants to carry a millionaire? 187
7. Dick Cheney, a heartbeat away 165
8. Slobodan Milosevic, lost election & didn’t become president 124
9. Jeb Bush, o brother where art thou? 109
10. Doctor Laura, queen of the 2 a.m time slot 91
11. Rush Limbaugh, EIB: excrement in broadcasting 89
12. Bill Clinton, this space for rent 87
13. Darva Conger, gone in 60 seconds 81
14. Trent Lott, mississippi mud 78
15. Robert Downey Jr., dude where’s my car? 76
16. Kathy Lee Gifford, replaced 68
17. Rick Lazio, almost famous 67
18. Howard Stern, terrified all with threat to retire 65
19. Roger Clemens, double-chin music 64
20. Yasir Arafat, all we are saying is give war a chance 59
21. Osama Bin Laden, scary movie 57
22. Maryslesis Gonzalez, finders keepers 51
23. George H.W. Bush, papa roach 50
24. Antonin Scalia, to the republican for which it stands 48
25. Charlton Heston, the way of the gun 47

The Top 25 Of 1999

1. SLOBODAN MILOSEVIC, mister clean 183
2. William Jefferson Clinton, home alone 159
3. Hillary Rodham Clinton, runaway bride 123
4. Rudy Guiliani, you say tomato i say d’amato 122
5. George W. Bush Jr., doodoo II 96
6. Kenneth Starr, the phantom menace 93
7. Dylan Klebold, ten things i hate about you 88
Eric Harris, disturbing behavior 88
9. Monica Lewinski, fatgirl slim 68
10. Newt Gingrich, the love machine 66
11. Linda Tripp, face-off 60
12. Donald Trump, the world is not enough 48
13. Charlton Heston, guns & moses 45
14. Al Gore, sleepy hollow 42
15. Guy who stole Cammuso's Jacket at 1999 AHOY Party, red sox fan 33
16. Bill Gates, the matrix 32
Regis Philbin, is that your final show? 32
18. Jesse Ventura, turnbuckle 31
Pete Rose, charlie huckster 31
20. Boris Yeltzin, yakov smirnoff 30
21. Rosie O'Donnell, attention kmart shooters 28
22. Dr. Laura Schlessinger, i am my kid’s centerfold 27
Kathie Lee Gifford, who wants to be a sweatshop worker! 27
Trent Lott, for sale 27
Henry Hyde, hyde the salami 27

The Top 25 of 1998

1. LINDA ROSE CAROTENUTO TRIPP, tapeworm 784
http://www.pentagon.gov/deepest-basement/forever.html
2. Kenneth Starr, did somebody say mccarthyism? .631
http://www.morality.gov/desciptions/detailed/felatio.html
3. William Jefferson Clinton, shag the dog 569
http://www.whitehouse.gov/cheated/lied/caught/bombIraq.html
4. Monica S. Lewinsky, deep impact 289
http://www.bluedress.cum.whosnext/al-gore.html
5. Henry J. Hyde, it was jeckle who cheated on his wife 200
http://www.capital.gov/glasshouse/adulterer.html
6. Newton Leroy Gingrich, quitter 196
http://www.democraticparty.net/assets.html
7. Saddam Hussein, masochist 176
http://www.democraticparty.net/assets2.html
8. Lucianne Goldberg, agent provacateur 173
http://www.literati.com/meinkampf.html
9. Alfonse D'Amato, fogetabowtim 145
http://www.toast.com
10. Paula Corbin Jones, babe: pig in the city 109
http://www.believable.org/until/you/saw/that/nose.html
11. Jerry Springer, there's a viewer born every minute.106
http://www.romanempire.com/decline/fall.html
12. Bill Gates [30], e-male 104
http://www.whateveraddressyoutype.com.thereIam.html
13. Hillary Rodham Clinton [39], pat nixon 85
http://www.whitehouse.gov/pissed/sleeponcouch.html
14. James Cameron, man overboard 64
http://www.success.com/spoiled.html
15. Osama bin Laden, diplomat 60
http://www.embassy.bom.html
16. Bob Barr meet joe white
uglynasty@klannet.org
17. Kathie Lee Gifford not tonight, frank; not tomorrow night; not EVER
sweatshop@christianity.net
18. Mike Tyson guess who's coming to dinner
feedme@earlobe.foodnet
19. Denis Rodman groom for a day
anythingthatmoves@hermaphrodite.com
20. Dr. Laura, i am my kids' wet dream
youre-stupid@hypocrisy.com
21. Slobodan Milosevic serban cowboy
sloobydoowhereareyou?@genocide.com
22. Rush Limbaugh lean and mean
preach-to-choir@dittos.com
23. Trent Lott, winston-salem's lott
lynchmob@usa.com
24. Richard Mellon Scaife, gopfather
chessmaster@evil.com
25. James Carville, sniper
see-no-evil@bullybastard.gov