4. ABU MUSAB AL-ZARQAWI Napoleon Dynamite (201 Points)

Let Us Now Praise Famous Murderers
(AHOY News Service) Expressing displeasure with his penchant for beheading and blowing up innocent people, a global survey of voters has elected Abu Musab al-Zarqawi 2004 AHOY Third Runner-Up

Zarqawi was not contacted for comment, basically because AHOY officials did not want to get their heads lopped off.

OK, folks. Forgive us, here. But Abu "Howie" Zarqawi deserved better than fourth place. This guy is one of the primo assholes of his era. We're talking Charlie Manson quality. We're talking Dahmer, Gacey, Green River! And, by the way, none of those mass murderers ever won AHOY.

Maybe AHOY voters should look a bit inward:

Are you wallowing in a sea of celebrity breakups and political crapola?

Might you be a bit too knowledgeable about Michael Jackson?

Zark just fourth? It ain't right. The guy gave it everything he had. This is what gives AHOY a bad name.

Still, fourth is not chopped liver. And there's always next year. Let's hope that, by then, we can get to know him up close and personal.

Like, through his autopsy.

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El Duque compiled this report from AHOY files, wire services and Reader's Digest's "Personal Glimpses."