3. OSAMA BIN LADEN Outkast (239 Points)
(AHOY News Service) A nationwide poll has relegated two-time champion Osama bin Laden to a measly third place finish in the coveted award for 2004 Asshole of the Year.
Known to millions as just "Osama," the reclusive mass-murderer spent most of 2004 bribing Pakistani authorities and making promotional videos, which appear on the Arabic-language Home Chopping Network. In his one-man shows, filmed before a cave-studio audience, bin Laden outlines his case for launching World War III and causing the death of millions.
Bin Laden’s Oct. 30 "I’ll swim to America and kill every one of you all with my wet, bare hands" video is believed to have helped re-elect President George W. Bush.
But it didn’t grab AHOY voters.
"Bin simply hasn’t grown," said one, who spoke on the condition of anonymity. "He did the mass-murder thing, which always gets votes. And don’t get me wrong: He’s a true asshole, a fucker, one of the giants. I hope his cave has icky secretions. But, really, how many names can he call us? Sticks and stones. He needs to get out, work crowds, do standup in clubs. He should date a rock star. He should go on with O'Reilly. Right now, you see the guy and think, "This is pathetic; let’s just shoot him and get this thing over with." That won’t win AHOY. To win in this league, you gotta get in people’s faces. You can’t just phone it in."
Osama’s elimination leaves George W. Bush and Donald H. Rumsfeld to vie for the top spot.
Monday, the world will know.
El Duque compiled this report from AHOY files, wire services and the contents of a randomly selected passerby's purse.