Tuesday, February 01, 2005

Meet Your Final Five
AHOY Finalists' Lives Marked By Fun, Facts

by El Duque

(AHOY News Service) The disparate lives of the top five vote-getters in the 2004 AssHole Of the Year survey can all be summed up by one efficient, space-filling, easy-to-write method: the fun fact. Read on.

George Walker Bush Fun Facts!
• George has been called by a leading psychologist "a dry drunk!"
• George, while at Yale, stayed clear of marijuana and other drugs, according to classmates!
• George’s first Secret Service code name was "Tumbler!"
• George, on his 40th birthday, quit both the Episcopal Church and drinking!
• George hopes to see a man on Mars! And we hope to see George in many AHOYs to come!

Abu Masab al-Zarqawi Fun Facts!
• Abu’s height and weight are officially "unknown!"
• Abu was born in a mining town!
• Abu dropped out of school at age 17 and drank heavily!
• Long before 9/11, Abu was already working to slaughter Israeli and American tourists!
• At one point, intelligence agencies thought he lost his leg! Ouch! But he’s got his AHOY legs, and he’ll be dancing if he’s crowned your AHOY!

Karl Christian Rove Fun Facts!
• Karl was born on Christmas Day!
• Karl is a Norwegian-American!
• Karl has many nicknames. George Bush calls him "Turd Blossom!"
• Karl is known to cuss when things don’t go his way!
• On Dec. 8, Karl was named by Barbara Walters as "the Most Fascinating Person of the Year." Way to go, Karl! And congratulations on making the FINAL FIVE!

Osama bin Laden Fun Facts!
• Ozzie’s full name is Usāmah bin Muhammad bin `Awad bin Lādin! Whew. We’d use a nickname, too!
• Osama is left-handed! Wouldn’t you know it?
• Osama is considered "the most wanted man in the world!"
• Osama was the 17th boy in a house of 54 kids! Wow! Think he got a lot of attention in third grade?
• Osama has four wives and one ex-wife, so Americans aren't the only ones who hate him!

Donald H. Rumsfeld Fun Facts!
• Don ran the pharmaceutical company Searle when it got federal approval to market aspartame, better known as NutraSweet!
• Don used to sign letters to the families of dead servicemen with an automatic pen!
• Don is German!
• In 1977, Don was awarded the nation’s highest civilian award, the Presidential Medal of Freedom.
• Don is NOT the actor who plays Dame Edna! But we’re hard-pressed to believe it!