1. DONALD H. RUMSFELD The Secretary You Have, Not The Secretary You Want (258 Points)

(AHOY News Service) In a stunning upset over his friend, boss, sponsor and teacher, Donald H. Rumsfeld has been named 2004 Asshole of the Year.


To win the coveted award, Rumsfeld drew upon weekly support from the Iraq war and several torture scandals, then pulled away from his rivals with news that he was using an automatic pen to sign condolence letters to the families of dead soldiers.

It doesn’t get any better than that.



Former AHOY George W. Bush was named to the critical position of first-runner up. If for some reason, Rumsfeld does not complete his one-year term, the first-runner up must take over the duties of reigning AHOY.

Congratulations, Don!

Sincerely,

AHOY



El Duque compiled this report from AHOY files, wire service reports and legally extracted confessions.