The Rectal Report

Sincerely, Donald Rumsfeld Your 2004 Asshole Of the Year

1. DONALD H. RUMSFELD The Secretary You Have, Not The Secretary You Want (258 Points)

(AHOY News Service) In a stunning upset over his friend, boss, sponsor and teacher, Donald H. Rumsfeld has been named 2004 Asshole of the Year.

To win the coveted award, Rumsfeld drew upon weekly support from the Iraq war and several torture scandals, then pulled away from his rivals with news that he was using an automatic pen to sign condolence letters to the families of dead soldiers.

It doesn’t get any better than that.

rummysaddam

Former AHOY George W. Bush was named to the critical position of first-runner up. If for some reason, Rumsfeld does not complete his one-year term, the first-runner up must take over the duties of reigning AHOY.

Congratulations, Don!

Sincerely,

AHOY

rummyflags

El Duque compiled this report from AHOY files, wire service reports and legally extracted confessions.

2. PRESIDENT GEORGE W. BUSH
Who's Your Daddy? (247 points)

(AHOY News Service) For once in his weasel, everything-handed-to-him life, George W. Bush has come in second.

He is the first-runner up in the 2004 AHOY balloting.

Despite his miserable failure in AHOY, Bush did garner many top AHOY labels, submitted by voters.

Among them were:

the born supremacy

a series of unfortunate events

eternal sunshine of the spotless mind

the conqueror worm

national treasure

without a paddle

president evil: apocalypse

million dollar baby
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El Duque compiled this report from AHOY files, wire services and personal information about you that's for sale to anyone with a credit card.

FRIEND AGAINST FRIEND

Bush, Rumsfeld Survive
As Voters Take Bin Laden Out
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2004 A.H.O.Y.: WHO DID YOU CHOOSE?
THE EX-RUMMY OR RUMMY?
FIND OUT MONDAY

3. OSAMA BIN LADEN Outkast (239 Points)

'04 Not Osama's A.H.O.Year
(AHOY News Service) A nationwide poll has relegated two-time champion Osama bin Laden to a measly third place finish in the coveted award for 2004 Asshole of the Year.

Known to millions as just "Osama," the reclusive mass-murderer spent most of 2004 bribing Pakistani authorities and making promotional videos, which appear on the Arabic-language Home Chopping Network. In his one-man shows, filmed before a cave-studio audience, bin Laden outlines his case for launching World War III and causing the death of millions.

Bin Laden’s Oct. 30 "I’ll swim to America and kill every one of you all with my wet, bare hands" video is believed to have helped re-elect President George W. Bush.

But it didn’t grab AHOY voters.

"Bin simply hasn’t grown," said one, who spoke on the condition of anonymity. "He did the mass-murder thing, which always gets votes. And don’t get me wrong: He’s a true asshole, a fucker, one of the giants. I hope his cave has icky secretions. But, really, how many names can he call us? Sticks and stones. He needs to get out, work crowds, do standup in clubs. He should date a rock star. He should go on with O'Reilly. Right now, you see the guy and think, "This is pathetic; let’s just shoot him and get this thing over with." That won’t win AHOY. To win in this league, you gotta get in people’s faces. You can’t just phone it in."

Osama’s elimination leaves George W. Bush and Donald H. Rumsfeld to vie for the top spot.

Monday, the world will know.

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El Duque compiled this report from AHOY files, wire services and the contents of a randomly selected passerby's purse.

HOLEY TRINITY

A.H.O.Y. '04 Spells G.O.D.
George, Osama or Donald
Al-Zarqawi, Rove Out Of Contention

4. ABU MUSAB AL-ZARQAWI Napoleon Dynamite (201 Points)

Let Us Now Praise Famous Murderers
(AHOY News Service) Expressing displeasure with his penchant for beheading and blowing up innocent people, a global survey of voters has elected Abu Musab al-Zarqawi 2004 AHOY Third Runner-Up

Zarqawi was not contacted for comment, basically because AHOY officials did not want to get their heads lopped off.

OK, folks. Forgive us, here. But Abu "Howie" Zarqawi deserved better than fourth place. This guy is one of the primo assholes of his era. We're talking Charlie Manson quality. We're talking Dahmer, Gacey, Green River! And, by the way, none of those mass murderers ever won AHOY.

Maybe AHOY voters should look a bit inward:

Are you wallowing in a sea of celebrity breakups and political crapola?

Might you be a bit too knowledgeable about Michael Jackson?

Zark just fourth? It ain't right. The guy gave it everything he had. This is what gives AHOY a bad name.

Still, fourth is not chopped liver. And there's always next year. Let's hope that, by then, we can get to know him up close and personal.

Like, through his autopsy.

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El Duque compiled this report from AHOY files, wire services and Reader's Digest's "Personal Glimpses."

...AND THEN THERE WERE FOUR

Rove Loses A.H.O.Y. '04 Race
Bush, Al-Zarqawi, Bin Laden & Rumsfeld Stay Alive

5. KARL CHRISTIAN ROVE
My Big Fat Obnoxious Boss (190 Points)

(AHOY News Service) In a global election in which dozens risked their lives to vote, the coveted honor of AHOY 2004 Fourth Runner-Up went to Karl Christian Rove.

Rove, known to reporters as "Bush's Brain" and to the President as "me," defeated many top candidates to reach the exclusive "Fanny Five."

Contacted in Washington, Rove declined comment.

However, White House spokesman Scott McCellan subsequently announced plans for a series of public service ads entitled "The Godless Illegitimate Mixed-Race Children of AHOY."
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El Duque compiled this report from AHOY files, wire services and tactile hallucinations.

Meet Your Final Five

AHOY Finalists' Lives Marked By Fun, Facts

by El Duque
(AHOY News Service) The disparate lives of the top five vote-getters in the 2004 AssHole Of the Year survey can all be summed up by one efficient, space-filling, easy-to-write method: the fun fact. Read on.

George Walker Bush Fun Facts!
• George has been called by a leading psychologist "a dry drunk!"
• George, while at Yale, stayed clear of marijuana and other drugs, according to classmates!
• George’s first Secret Service code name was "Tumbler!"
• George, on his 40th birthday, quit both the Episcopal Church and drinking!
• George hopes to see a man on Mars! And we hope to see George in many AHOYs to come!

Abu Masab al-Zarqawi Fun Facts!
• Abu’s height and weight are officially "unknown!"
• Abu was born in a mining town!
• Abu dropped out of school at age 17 and drank heavily!
• Long before 9/11, Abu was already working to slaughter Israeli and American tourists!
• At one point, intelligence agencies thought he lost his leg! Ouch! But he’s got his AHOY legs, and he’ll be dancing if he’s crowned your AHOY!

Karl Christian Rove Fun Facts!
• Karl was born on Christmas Day!
• Karl is a Norwegian-American!
• Karl has many nicknames. George Bush calls him "Turd Blossom!"
• Karl is known to cuss when things don’t go his way!
• On Dec. 8, Karl was named by Barbara Walters as "the Most Fascinating Person of the Year." Way to go, Karl! And congratulations on making the FINAL FIVE!

Osama bin Laden Fun Facts!
• Ozzie’s full name is Usāmah bin Muhammad bin `Awad bin Lādin! Whew. We’d use a nickname, too!
• Osama is left-handed! Wouldn’t you know it?
• Osama is considered "the most wanted man in the world!"
• Osama was the 17th boy in a house of 54 kids! Wow! Think he got a lot of attention in third grade?
• Osama has four wives and one ex-wife, so Americans aren't the only ones who hate him!

Donald H. Rumsfeld Fun Facts!
• Don ran the pharmaceutical company Searle when it got federal approval to market aspartame, better known as NutraSweet!
• Don used to sign letters to the families of dead servicemen with an automatic pen!
• Don is German!
• In 1977, Don was awarded the nation’s highest civilian award, the Presidential Medal of Freedom.
• Don is NOT the actor who plays Dame Edna! But we’re hard-pressed to believe it!