A.H.O.Y. 2004

2005-02-07T15:58:00.000-08:00

Sincerely, Donald Rumsfeld Your 2004 Asshole Of the Year

1. DONALD H. RUMSFELD The Secretary You Have, Not The Secretary You Want (258 Points)

2005-02-07T15:15:00.000-08:00

(AHOY News Service) In a stunning upset over his friend, boss, sponsor and teacher, Donald H. Rumsfeld has been named 2004 Asshole of the Year.

To win the coveted award, Rumsfeld drew upon weekly support from the Iraq war and several torture scandals, then pulled away from his rivals with news that he was using an automatic pen to sign condolence letters to the families of dead soldiers.

It doesn’t get any better than that.

Former AHOY George W. Bush was named to the critical position of first-runner up. If for some reason, Rumsfeld does not complete his one-year term, the first-runner up must take over the duties of reigning AHOY.

Congratulations, Don!

Sincerely,

AHOY

El Duque compiled this report from AHOY files, wire service reports and legally extracted confessions.

2. PRESIDENT GEORGE W. BUSHWho's Your Daddy? (247 points)

2005-02-07T14:20:00.000-08:00

(AHOY News Service) For once in his weasel, everything-handed-to-him life, George W. Bush has come in second.

He is the first-runner up in the 2004 AHOY balloting.

Despite his miserable failure in AHOY, Bush did garner many top AHOY labels, submitted by voters.

Among them were:

the born supremacy

a series of unfortunate events

eternal sunshine of the spotless mind

the conqueror worm

national treasure

without a paddle

president evil: apocalypse

million dollar baby
___

El Duque compiled this report from AHOY files, wire services and personal information about you that's for sale to anyone with a credit card.

2005-02-04T15:11:00.000-08:00

FRIEND AGAINST FRIEND

Bush, Rumsfeld Survive
As Voters Take Bin Laden Out
_____________________________

2004 A.H.O.Y.: WHO DID YOU CHOOSE?
THE EX-RUMMY OR RUMMY?
FIND OUT MONDAY

3. OSAMA BIN LADEN Outkast (239 Points)

2005-02-04T15:00:00.000-08:00

'04 Not Osama's A.H.O.Year
(AHOY News Service) A nationwide poll has relegated two-time champion Osama bin Laden to a measly third place finish in the coveted award for 2004 Asshole of the Year.

Known to millions as just "Osama," the reclusive mass-murderer spent most of 2004 bribing Pakistani authorities and making promotional videos, which appear on the Arabic-language Home Chopping Network. In his one-man shows, filmed before a cave-studio audience, bin Laden outlines his case for launching World War III and causing the death of millions.

Bin Laden’s Oct. 30 "I’ll swim to America and kill every one of you all with my wet, bare hands" video is believed to have helped re-elect President George W. Bush.

But it didn’t grab AHOY voters.

"Bin simply hasn’t grown," said one, who spoke on the condition of anonymity. "He did the mass-murder thing, which always gets votes. And don’t get me wrong: He’s a true asshole, a fucker, one of the giants. I hope his cave has icky secretions. But, really, how many names can he call us? Sticks and stones. He needs to get out, work crowds, do standup in clubs. He should date a rock star. He should go on with O'Reilly. Right now, you see the guy and think, "This is pathetic; let’s just shoot him and get this thing over with." That won’t win AHOY. To win in this league, you gotta get in people’s faces. You can’t just phone it in."

Osama’s elimination leaves George W. Bush and Donald H. Rumsfeld to vie for the top spot.

Monday, the world will know.

____________________________

El Duque compiled this report from AHOY files, wire services and the contents of a randomly selected passerby's purse.

2005-02-04T01:23:00.000-08:00

HOLEY TRINITY

A.H.O.Y. '04 Spells G.O.D.
George, Osama or Donald
Al-Zarqawi, Rove Out Of Contention

4. ABU MUSAB AL-ZARQAWI Napoleon Dynamite (201 Points)

2005-02-04T01:01:00.000-08:00

Let Us Now Praise Famous Murderers
(AHOY News Service) Expressing displeasure with his penchant for beheading and blowing up innocent people, a global survey of voters has elected Abu Musab al-Zarqawi 2004 AHOY Third Runner-Up

Zarqawi was not contacted for comment, basically because AHOY officials did not want to get their heads lopped off.

OK, folks. Forgive us, here. But Abu "Howie" Zarqawi deserved better than fourth place. This guy is one of the primo assholes of his era. We're talking Charlie Manson quality. We're talking Dahmer, Gacey, Green River! And, by the way, none of those mass murderers ever won AHOY.

Maybe AHOY voters should look a bit inward:

Are you wallowing in a sea of celebrity breakups and political crapola?

Might you be a bit too knowledgeable about Michael Jackson?

Zark just fourth? It ain't right. The guy gave it everything he had. This is what gives AHOY a bad name.

Still, fourth is not chopped liver. And there's always next year. Let's hope that, by then, we can get to know him up close and personal.

Like, through his autopsy.

___

El Duque compiled this report from AHOY files, wire services and Reader's Digest's "Personal Glimpses."

2005-02-03T01:34:00.000-08:00

...AND THEN THERE WERE FOUR

Rove Loses A.H.O.Y. '04 Race
Bush, Al-Zarqawi, Bin Laden & Rumsfeld Stay Alive

5. KARL CHRISTIAN ROVEMy Big Fat Obnoxious Boss (190 Points)

2005-02-03T01:01:00.000-08:00

(AHOY News Service) In a global election in which dozens risked their lives to vote, the coveted honor of AHOY 2004 Fourth Runner-Up went to Karl Christian Rove.

Rove, known to reporters as "Bush's Brain" and to the President as "me," defeated many top candidates to reach the exclusive "Fanny Five."

Contacted in Washington, Rove declined comment.

However, White House spokesman Scott McCellan subsequently announced plans for a series of public service ads entitled "The Godless Illegitimate Mixed-Race Children of AHOY."
____

El Duque compiled this report from AHOY files, wire services and tactile hallucinations.

2005-02-01T19:00:00.000-08:00

Meet Your Final Five

AHOY Finalists' Lives Marked By Fun, Facts

by El Duque
(AHOY News Service) The disparate lives of the top five vote-getters in the 2004 AssHole Of the Year survey can all be summed up by one efficient, space-filling, easy-to-write method: the fun fact. Read on.

George Walker Bush Fun Facts!
• George has been called by a leading psychologist "a dry drunk!"
• George, while at Yale, stayed clear of marijuana and other drugs, according to classmates!
• George’s first Secret Service code name was "Tumbler!"
• George, on his 40th birthday, quit both the Episcopal Church and drinking!
• George hopes to see a man on Mars! And we hope to see George in many AHOYs to come!

Abu Masab al-Zarqawi Fun Facts!
• Abu’s height and weight are officially "unknown!"
• Abu was born in a mining town!
• Abu dropped out of school at age 17 and drank heavily!
• Long before 9/11, Abu was already working to slaughter Israeli and American tourists!
• At one point, intelligence agencies thought he lost his leg! Ouch! But he’s got his AHOY legs, and he’ll be dancing if he’s crowned your AHOY!

Karl Christian Rove Fun Facts!
• Karl was born on Christmas Day!
• Karl is a Norwegian-American!
• Karl has many nicknames. George Bush calls him "Turd Blossom!"
• Karl is known to cuss when things don’t go his way!
• On Dec. 8, Karl was named by Barbara Walters as "the Most Fascinating Person of the Year." Way to go, Karl! And congratulations on making the FINAL FIVE!

Osama bin Laden Fun Facts!
• Ozzie’s full name is Usāmah bin Muhammad bin `Awad bin Lādin! Whew. We’d use a nickname, too!
• Osama is left-handed! Wouldn’t you know it?
• Osama is considered "the most wanted man in the world!"
• Osama was the 17th boy in a house of 54 kids! Wow! Think he got a lot of attention in third grade?
• Osama has four wives and one ex-wife, so Americans aren't the only ones who hate him!

Donald H. Rumsfeld Fun Facts!
• Don ran the pharmaceutical company Searle when it got federal approval to market aspartame, better known as NutraSweet!
• Don used to sign letters to the families of dead servicemen with an automatic pen!
• Don is German!
• In 1977, Don was awarded the nation’s highest civilian award, the Presidential Medal of Freedom.
• Don is NOT the actor who plays Dame Edna! But we’re hard-pressed to believe it!

6. DICK CHENEY Meet The Focker (174 Points)

2005-01-31T22:23:00.000-08:00

7. TOM DeLAY Unlawful Combatant (164 Points)

2005-01-31T22:20:00.000-08:00

8. JOHN KERRY Wipeout (161 Points)

2005-01-31T22:14:00.000-08:00

9. BILL O'REILLY Is That A Felafel In His Pocket?(132 Points)

2005-01-31T22:08:00.000-08:00

10. MICHAEL MOORE The Big Unit (125 Points)

2005-01-31T20:41:00.000-08:00

11. BERNARD KERIK Law & Odor (111 Points)

2005-01-30T21:38:00.000-08:00

12. SCOTT PETERSON The Death Aquatic(108 Points)

2005-01-30T21:36:00.000-08:00

13. KOBE BRYANT elimiDATE (98 Points)

2005-01-30T21:21:00.000-08:00

14. ZELL MILLER Democrat (87 Points)

2005-01-30T21:12:00.000-08:00

15. JARED Square Pants (77 Points)

2005-01-28T02:00:00.000-08:00

16. KOFI ANNAN Jesus H. Heist (60 Points)

2005-01-28T01:58:00.000-08:00

17. (Tie) RUSH LIMBAUGH The SwanDAN RATHER What Kind Of Reporter Can't Even Prove Bush Went AWOL? (55 Points)

2005-01-28T01:53:00.000-08:00

19. JOHN ASHCROFT Captain Underpants(47 Points)

2005-01-28T01:45:00.000-08:00

20. YASSER ARAFAT The Grudge (46 Points)

2005-01-27T16:52:00.000-08:00

21. TONY BLAIR The Apprentice (44 Points)

2005-01-27T16:51:00.000-08:00

22. RON ARTEST Brawl-Star (43 Points)

2005-01-27T16:47:00.000-08:00

23. (Tie) BARRY BONDS Sultan Of SwabHOWARD DEAN Old Yeller (41 Points)

2005-01-27T15:50:00.000-08:00

25. (Tie) CONDOLEEZZA RICE"Invade Iran? Great Idea, Chief!"JACQUES CHIRAC Modest Mouse (38 Points)

2005-01-26T11:54:00.000-08:00

27. ANN COULTER "Political Analyst" (35 Points)

2005-01-26T11:45:00.000-08:00

28. PEDRO MARTINEZ Met Peeve (34 Points)

2005-01-26T11:35:00.000-08:00

29. (Tie) KEVIN BROWN Harvey WallbangerPARIS HILTON Heir America (33 Points)

2005-01-26T11:27:00.000-08:00

31. JASON GIAMBI Chemical Alley (32 points)

2005-01-25T16:48:00.000-08:00

32. TERESA HEINZ-KERRY The Rebel Billionaire (31 Points)

2005-01-25T16:45:00.000-08:00

33. (Tie) AHMED CHALABI Our Man In BaghdadMICHAEL POWELL Semi-Colin (29 Points)

2005-01-25T16:32:00.000-08:00

35. JOHN E. O'NEILLSwift Boat Veteran For Trash(25 Points)

2005-01-25T16:27:00.000-08:00

36. DONALD TRUMP We’re Tired! (24 Points)

2005-01-25T16:24:00.000-08:00

37. LYNNDIE ENGLAND Enslaving Rhian's Privates (23 Points)

2005-01-25T16:09:00.000-08:00

38. ALBERTO R. GONZALES "Do You Expect Me To Talk, Mr. Gonzales?" "No, Mr. Zafir, I Expect You To Die." (22 Points)

2005-01-25T16:04:00.000-08:00

39. MEL GIBSON "Jesus, Baby, When The Nails Go In, It Really Hurts, OK? So Let's See That. You're Beautiful."(20 Points)

2005-01-25T16:01:00.000-08:00

40. (Tie)JUSTIN TIMBERLAKE Skin SyncPAUL WOLFOWITZ Wardrum Malfunction(19 points)

2005-01-25T15:54:00.000-08:00

2005-01-04T15:08:00.000-08:00

AHOY WINNER Who Is It? WATCH THIS SPACE ANNOUNCEMENT SOON Developing...

LEADERBOARD: THE WHORSERACE IS SHAPING UP!

2004-12-27T18:34:00.000-08:00

THE LEADERBOARD AT CHRISTMAS

RUM & DUB, NIP & TUCK!
KERIK & KERRY HOT!
JARED HOLDING FIRM!

VOTERS…
THEY'VE DONE THEIR SHARE.
IT’S NOW UP TO YOU.

And here is Your Top 20 with current score.

Donald Rumsfeld 108
George W. Bush 104
Karl Christian Rove 66
Osama bin Laden 64
Dick Cheney 42
Tom Delay 41
John Kerry 39
Abu Masali al-Zarqawi 33
Zell Miller 33
Jared of Subway 30
Bill O'Reilly 29
Bernard Kerik 24
Kofi Annan 23
Rush Limbaugh 20
John Ashcroft 16
Ann Coulter 16
Barry Bonds 16
Tony Blair 16
Ron Artest 16

(This includes ballots cast off-line.)

AND DON’T FORGET THE SPECIAL
AHOY TWINS CHALLENGE MATCH:

MARY KATE & ASHLEY 17
JENNA & BARBARA 0

What is A.H.O.Y?

2004-12-01T00:10:00.000-08:00

Asshole Of the Year.

Since 1974, people across this great planet have voted each year for the man or woman who best evokes the largest exit ramp on the human thruway.

Now, thanks to that 20th Century mechanical miracle, the Internet, you can vote too!

Rank your top 10 choices. Post them in the "comments" section below.

We'll do the rest.

Soon an anxious world shall learn the name of the famous name who has earned the name...

A.H.O.Y. '04!

For Your Consideration

2004-12-01T00:09:00.000-08:00

50 Cent. Ben Affleck. Clay Aiken. Roger Ailes. Iyad Allawi. Andre 3000. Marc Anthony. Yasser Arafat. Lance Armstrong. Tom Arnold. Ron Artest. John Ashcroft. Wally Backman. David Beckham. Paul Begala. Beyonce. Osama Bin Laden. Tony Blair. Robert Blake. Wolf Blitzer. Michael Bloomberg. Barry Bonds. Bono. Milton Bradley. Richard Branson. Paul Bremer. Tom Brokaw. David Brooks. Kevin Brown. Tina Brown. Kobe Bryant. Elisabeth Bumiller. Mark Burnett. Barbara Bush I. Barbara Bush II. Billy Bush. George H. W. Bush. George W. Bush. Jeb Bush. Jenna Bush. Laura Bush. Neil Bush. Clint Butler. Glen Campbell. Naomi Campbell. Tucker Carlson. Jim Caviezel. Ahmed Chalabi. Dick Cheney. Lynne Cheney. Hillary Clinton. Sean Combs. Bill Cosby. Ann Coulter. Katie Couric. Simon Cowell. Tom Cruise. Mark Cuban. Carson Daly. Tom Daschle. Tom DeLay. Howard Dean. Rocco DiSpirito. James Dobson. Maureen Dowd. Matt Drudge. Hillary Duff. Bob Dylan. Bob Edwards. John Edwards. Michael Eisner. Eminem. Lynndie England. Jimmy Fallon. Howard Fineman. Frank Francisco. Al Franken. Thomas Friedman. Bill Frist. Vince Gallo. Bill Gates. Jason Giambi. Mel Gibson. Dick Gephardt. Jose Guillen. Rudy Giuliani. Whoopi Goldberg. Al Gore. Porter Goss. Victoria Gotti. Nancy Grace. John Green. Mary Hart. Teresa Heinz-Kerry. Sean Hannity. Nicki Hilton. Paris Hilton. Christopher Hitchens. Steve Irwin, Crocodile Hunter. Tom Hanks. Rachel Hunter. Don Imus. Michael Jackson. Jared The Subway Guy. Jay-Z. Ken Jennings.Steve Jobs. John Paul II. Bob Jones III. Star Jones. Kitty Kelley. R. Kelly. Bernard Kerik. John Kerry. Alan Keyes. Lil' Kim. Jimmy Kimmel. Larry King. Dennis Kucinich. Howard Kurtz. Ashton Kutcher. Nick Lachey. Jude Law. Jay Leno. Jerry Lewis. Rush Limbaugh. James Lipton. Lindsay Lohan. Jennifer Lopez. Courtney Love. Joe Lieberman. Rush Limbaugh. Madonna. Bill Maher. Michelle Malkin. Omarosa Manigault-Stallworth. Pedro Martinez. Chris Matthews. Terry McAuliffe. John McCain. Scott McClellan. James McGreevey. Michael Medved. Dennis Miller. Judith Miller. Zell Miller. Liza Minelli. Moby. Michael Moore. Dick Morris. Rupert Murdoch. Nick Nolte. Peggy Noonan. Robert Novak. Pat O'Brien. John E. O'Neill. Bill O'Reilly. Barack Obama. Daniel Okrent. Ashley Olsen. Mary-Kate Olsen. Ol' Dirty Bastard. Oprah. Sarah Jessica Parker. Trey Parker. George Pataki. Sean Penn. Scott Peterson. Dr. Phil. Colin Powell. Michael Powell. Prince. Prince Charles. Vladimir Putin. Colin Quinn. Condoleezza Rice. Dan Rather. Ronald Reagan. Ronald Reagan Jr. Sumner Redstone. Tara Reid. Nicole Ritchie. Kelly Ripa. A-Rod. Pete Rose. Karl Rove. J.K. Rowling. Donald Rumsfeld. Tim Russert. Jack Ryan. William Safire. Rick Santorum. Michael Savage. Justice Antonin Scalia. Curt Schilling. Arnold Schwarzenegger. Ryan Seacrest. Bud Selig. Ariel Sharon. Al Sharpton. Maria Shriver. William Shatner. Gene Simmons. Richard Simmons. Ron Silver. Ashlee Simpson. Jessica Simpson. Anna Nicole Smith. Britney Spears. Phil Spector. Art Spiegelman. Elliot Spitzer. George Stephanapolous. Cat Stevens. George Steinbrenner. Howard Stern. Jon Stewart. Martha Stewart. Rod Stewart. Matt Stone. Barbara Streisand. Sting. Andrew Sullivan. Quentin Tarantino. Charlize Theron. Donald Trump. Meredith Vieira. Adam Vinatieri. David Foster Wallace. George Will. Brian Williams. Jayson Williams. Oprah Winfrey. Tom Wolfe. Paul Wolfowitz. Wonkette. Paula Zahn. Abu Musab al-Zarqawi. Catherine Zeta-Jones.

Who Did We Overlook?

2004-12-01T00:08:00.000-08:00

Let us know in the comments.

A.H.O.Y. Remembers

2004-12-01T00:07:00.000-08:00

'04: Donald Henry Rumsfeld, "secretary of offense"
’03: George Walker Bush, “mission accomplished”
’02: Osama bin Laden, “coaster”
’01: Osama bin Laden, “hairy plotter”
’00: George Walker Bush, “the legend of drunken master”
’99: Slobodan Milosevic, “mister clean”
'98: Linda Carotenuto Tripp “tapeworm”
'97: Marvin P. Albert, “he grabs, he bites, he scores!”
'96: Orenthal James Simpson, “blade runner”
'95: Newton Leroy Gingrich, “house speaker”
'94: Newton Leroy Gingrich, “contract on america”
'93: Robert W. Packwood, “house dick”
'92: Rush Hudson Limbaugh III, “hate on loan from god”
'91: David Duke, “you got the white thing baby”
'90: Saddam Hussein, “the iraqi horror picture show”
'89: Leona Mindy Rosenthal Helmsley, “rhymes with rich”
'88: James Danforth Quayle III, “favorite son”
'87: The Rev. James Orson Bakker, “lay minister”
'86: Ronald Wilson Reagan, “huh?”
'85: Sylvester Enzio Stallone, “hambo”
'84: Ronald Wilson Reagan, “actor/denture-wearer”
'83: Ronald Wilson Reagan, “in five minutes we bomb ahoy”
'82: Ronald Wilson Reagan, “conqueror of grenada”
'81: Ronald Wilson Reagan,
“i’m not a real president i just play one on tv”
'80: Mark David Chapman, “the walrus”
'79: Ayatollah Ruhollah Khomeini, “shah shah abhore”
'78: The Rev. Jim Jones, “kill friends with koolade”
'77: Anita Bryant, “hatriot”
'76: General Idi Amin, “dada dearest”
'75: Samuel Davis Jr., “nixonhugger”
'74: Richard Milhouse Nixon, “quitter”

The Top 25 Of 2003

2004-12-01T00:06:00.000-08:00

GEORGE WALKER BUSH, mission accomplished 219
Michael Jackson , boyz r us 199
Saddam Hussein, spiderman 164
Osama bin Laden, who? 149
Donald Rumsfeld, a mighty wind 122
Richard Cheney, sauron 77
Rush Limbaugh, donovan mcnabbed 74
Martha Stewart, it’s a good sing sing 53
John Ashcroft, (REDACTED FOR NATIONAL SECURITY) 52
John Muhammed, drivers needed 50
Kobe Bryant, lain violation 43
J-Lo, moveon.org 41
Arnold Schwarzenegger, shade of gray 34
Britney Spears, prankster 34
Bill O’Reilly, faux news 31
Paris Hilton, the sinful life 31
Pedro Martinez, babe 30
Strom Thurmond, puff daddy 30
Condi Rice, legally blonde 30
Hillary Clinton, kill bill vol. 1 24
Howard Dean, gone in 60 seconds 27
Bill Bennett, the bookie of virtues 22
Kim Jong Il, li’l kim 22
Paul Wolfowitz, finding neo 20
Ben Affleck, j-no 20

The Top 25 Of 2002

2004-12-01T00:05:00.000-08:00

1. OSAMA BIN LADEN, catch me if you can 314
2. George W. Bush, the omen 289
3. Bernard Law, why do you think they call it the rectory? 265
4. John Ashcroft, it’s curtains for lady liberty 244
5. Saddam Hussein, death to smoochy 224
6. John Allen Muhammad, die another day 195
7. Trent Lott, toast 196
8. Dick Cheney, panic room 186
9. Martha Stewart, ulterior decorator 164
10. John Lee Malvo, drivers needed 102
11. Ken Lay, secretary of energy 101
12. Michael Jackson,
if you think about it, he’s still
a better dad than eric clapton 78
13. Donald Rumsfeld, puff baghdaddy 62
14. Yasir Arafat, yas man 59
Terry McAuliffe, there’s always room for jell-o 59
16. Ariel Sharon, terrorist 47
17. Hillary Clinton, first wives club 46
18. Barry Bonds, this year’s record-holder 40
19. Pope, the bachelorette 37
Karl Rove, axis of evil 37
21. Lizzie Grubman, axle of evil 35
Kim Jong II, what happens when a president’s
son takes over without being elected 35
Tom Ridge, code brown 35
24. Charlton Heston, fighting to preserve gun rights
for alzheimer’s victims 33
25. John Henry Williams, soul on ice 32
Winona Ryder, girl, arrested 32

The Top 25 Of 2001

2004-12-01T00:04:00.000-08:00

1. OSAMA BIN LADEN, hairy plotter 803
2. Gary Condit, girl interrupted 268
3. Mullah Mohammad Omar, i shot the sharif 241
4. John Ashcroft, the golden snitch 239
5. Mohammed Atta, automatic pilate 223
6. George W Bush Jr, me talk pretty some day 186
7. John Walker Lindh, shallow allah 174
8. Saddam Hussein, springtime for hitler 160
9. Yassir Arafat, zoolander 154
10. Dick Cheney, hiding in cars with boys 152
11. Ariel Sharon, monsters inc 149
12. Timothy McVeigh, osama’s seat warmer 145
13. O.J. Simpson, the mummy returns 139
14. Jerry Falwell, american taliban 136
15. Bud Selig, baseball fever – cure it 134
16. Hillary Clinton, the evil one 133
17. Tom Cruise, thighs wide shut 128
18. Lizzie Grubman,
"Lizzie Grubman took the Rover
"And gave the crowd a runnin’-over!" 125
19. Britney Spears, barbie spice 95
20. Donald Rumsfeld, the rummy returns 85
21. Ira Einhorn, drugrat in paris 74
22. Al Gore, bearded lady 63
23. Tom Daschle, gone postal 62
24. George O’Leary, win one for the fibber 51
25. Geraldo Rivera, alfred e newsman 50

The Top 25 Of 2000

2004-12-01T00:03:00.000-08:00

1. GEORGE WALKER BUSH, the legend of drunken master 523
2. Al Gore, hollow man 435
3. Katherine Harris, gives her man a big election 332
4. Ralph Nader, unelectable at any speed 255
5. Hillary Clinton, you go, girl, please – go 232
6. James Baker III, who wants to carry a millionaire? 187
7. Dick Cheney, a heartbeat away 165
8. Slobodan Milosevic, lost election & didn’t become president 124
9. Jeb Bush, o brother where art thou? 109
10. Doctor Laura, queen of the 2 a.m time slot 91
11. Rush Limbaugh, EIB: excrement in broadcasting 89
12. Bill Clinton, this space for rent 87
13. Darva Conger, gone in 60 seconds 81
14. Trent Lott, mississippi mud 78
15. Robert Downey Jr., dude where’s my car? 76
16. Kathy Lee Gifford, replaced 68
17. Rick Lazio, almost famous 67
18. Howard Stern, terrified all with threat to retire 65
19. Roger Clemens, double-chin music 64
20. Yasir Arafat, all we are saying is give war a chance 59
21. Osama Bin Laden, scary movie 57
22. Maryslesis Gonzalez, finders keepers 51
23. George H.W. Bush, papa roach 50
24. Antonin Scalia, to the republican for which it stands 48
25. Charlton Heston, the way of the gun 47

The Top 25 Of 1999

2004-12-01T00:02:00.000-08:00

1. SLOBODAN MILOSEVIC, mister clean 183
2. William Jefferson Clinton, home alone 159
3. Hillary Rodham Clinton, runaway bride 123
4. Rudy Guiliani, you say tomato i say d’amato 122
5. George W. Bush Jr., doodoo II 96
6. Kenneth Starr, the phantom menace 93
7. Dylan Klebold, ten things i hate about you 88
Eric Harris, disturbing behavior 88
9. Monica Lewinski, fatgirl slim 68
10. Newt Gingrich, the love machine 66
11. Linda Tripp, face-off 60
12. Donald Trump, the world is not enough 48
13. Charlton Heston, guns & moses 45
14. Al Gore, sleepy hollow 42
15. Guy who stole Cammuso's Jacket at 1999 AHOY Party, red sox fan 33
16. Bill Gates, the matrix 32
Regis Philbin, is that your final show? 32
18. Jesse Ventura, turnbuckle 31
Pete Rose, charlie huckster 31
20. Boris Yeltzin, yakov smirnoff 30
21. Rosie O'Donnell, attention kmart shooters 28
22. Dr. Laura Schlessinger, i am my kid’s centerfold 27
Kathie Lee Gifford, who wants to be a sweatshop worker! 27
Trent Lott, for sale 27
Henry Hyde, hyde the salami 27

The Top 25 of 1998

2004-12-01T00:01:00.000-08:00

1. LINDA ROSE CAROTENUTO TRIPP, tapeworm 784
http://www.pentagon.gov/deepest-basement/forever.html
2. Kenneth Starr, did somebody say mccarthyism? .631
http://www.morality.gov/desciptions/detailed/felatio.html
3. William Jefferson Clinton, shag the dog 569
http://www.whitehouse.gov/cheated/lied/caught/bombIraq.html
4. Monica S. Lewinsky, deep impact 289
http://www.bluedress.cum.whosnext/al-gore.html
5. Henry J. Hyde, it was jeckle who cheated on his wife 200
http://www.capital.gov/glasshouse/adulterer.html
6. Newton Leroy Gingrich, quitter 196
http://www.democraticparty.net/assets.html
7. Saddam Hussein, masochist 176
http://www.democraticparty.net/assets2.html
8. Lucianne Goldberg, agent provacateur 173
http://www.literati.com/meinkampf.html
9. Alfonse D'Amato, fogetabowtim 145
http://www.toast.com
10. Paula Corbin Jones, babe: pig in the city 109
http://www.believable.org/until/you/saw/that/nose.html
11. Jerry Springer, there's a viewer born every minute.106
http://www.romanempire.com/decline/fall.html
12. Bill Gates [30], e-male 104
http://www.whateveraddressyoutype.com.thereIam.html
13. Hillary Rodham Clinton [39], pat nixon 85
http://www.whitehouse.gov/pissed/sleeponcouch.html
14. James Cameron, man overboard 64
http://www.success.com/spoiled.html
15. Osama bin Laden, diplomat 60
http://www.embassy.bom.html
16. Bob Barr meet joe white
uglynasty@klannet.org
17. Kathie Lee Gifford not tonight, frank; not tomorrow night; not EVER
sweatshop@christianity.net
18. Mike Tyson guess who's coming to dinner
feedme@earlobe.foodnet
19. Denis Rodman groom for a day
anythingthatmoves@hermaphrodite.com
20. Dr. Laura, i am my kids' wet dream
youre-stupid@hypocrisy.com
21. Slobodan Milosevic serban cowboy
sloobydoowhereareyou?@genocide.com
22. Rush Limbaugh lean and mean
preach-to-choir@dittos.com
23. Trent Lott, winston-salem's lott
lynchmob@usa.com
24. Richard Mellon Scaife, gopfather
chessmaster@evil.com
25. James Carville, sniper
see-no-evil@bullybastard.gov